Blog - Paper 2 Section B
Recently I have visited a theme park by the name of Busch Gardens in Tampa Bay, Florida. This theme park was once a garden open to the public from 1959 and it evolved into a theme park over the years and has made a name for itself as one of the top theme parks in America.
To begin, let's talk about the roller coasters that Busch Gardens is known for. The most attractive roller coaster, Cheetah Hunt is a blitz coaster with over 4,000 feet of track a 130-foot drop, and a top speed of over 60 miles per hour. When you are on this roller coaster it is as if you actually are a Cheetah sprinting and jumping through the desert. Another ride is Montu, an inverted coaster including seven inversions (loops) and a 128-foot drop. Perhaps the most daring coaster is Shiekra, this 200-foot monster dives down to a speed of around 70 miles per hour after hanging you over the drop for an entire three seconds. Now that we have covered the most extreme ride let us talk about rides for the younger coaster riders, there is Cobras Curse and Scorpion, two rides with only 70-foot drops with the perfect amount of thrill for the entire family to go on. Kumba and Tigris are in the middle tier in terms of extremity and they both are 140 feet tall with a speed of 55 miles per hour. Lastly, there is a new coaster attraction by the name of Iron Gwazi, a hybrid coaster with a 206-foot drop making it the tallest coaster in the entire park. Tell me that is not intimidating. Overall I would give the roller coasters a rating of 9 out of 10.
Next, let's talk about the dining experience. There is an option called the all-day dining deal which is 49.99 per adult and 29.99 for children ages 3-9 for the option to get one entree, side, and drink each time through the line once every 90 minutes. Among the restaurants, there is the giraffe bar where you can have a cold one with your buddies and look out at the magnificent view of the giraffes. There is Oasis pizza known for its Italian-style food, Dragon Fire grill for burgers and meat, Zambia Smokehouse for wings and ribs, Zagora Cafe for the family serving chicken tenders and burgers, and Garden Gate cafe serving alcoholic beverages and chicken sandwiches. There is also a newly added Chick Fil A which is beloved by the public and is by far the best restaurant in the park. Overall the dining experience is mid it is theme park food so I would give the experience a 6 out of 10.
The animal experience is another great part of Busch Gardens it’s like being at a theme park and a zoo at the same time. The animal habitats that Busch Gardens has to offer are Rhinos, Sloths, Cheetahs, Tigers, Lions, Gorillas, Elephants, Giraffes, Hippos, Hyenas, Zebras, Penguins, Meerkats, Kangaroos, Alligators, Snakes, Gazelles, Antelopes, Flamingos, and Lorikeets. The animal experience is great because it gives you the opportunity to balance between thrill rides and viewing the animals. This experience is an 8 out of 10.
Lastly, there are other thrill rides that happen to be non-roller coasters including Falcons Fury, a 335-foot drop tower that brings you to the top, faces you towards the ground, and drops you for a giant freefall that leaves you screaming in excitement. Along with this, there are also water rides such as the Congo River Rapids a family ride that can fit up to 8 people and gives you a ride through a river and lets you sit back and enjoy the ride. The other water ride is the Stanley Falls flume ride giving you a semi thrilling experience that allows you to travel through the water and get soaked. Overall these non-roller coaster rides are a 9 out of 10.
Furthermore, taking all of these factors into consideration, I believe that Busch Gardens is an excellent place to go for the entire family including for the views, thrills, and decent dining. It gives you a full day and overall experience I would give it an 8.5 out of 10 and I would highly recommend it to teens and young adults.
- In terms of language and sentence structure I feel that the paper is relatively simple. The structure used is also very repetitive. For example, the way you list things in each paragraph, you list all the rides and then list all of the restaurants, and then list all of the animals. There is no differentiation between the way you deliver information making it very choppy. I would give you a level 2 understanding of this point.
ReplyDelete- In terms of errors in grammar I feel like there aren't too many, but the usage of listing can make it difficult to understand at some points and requires the reader to reread the list. I would give a level 3 for this field.
- In terms of organization I feel that the overall positioning of paragraphs is well. But again with the way you listed, "Rhinos, Sloths, Cheetahs, Tigers, Lions, Gorillas, Elephants, Giraffes, Hippos, Hyenas, Zebras, Penguins, Meerkats, Kangaroos, Alligators, Snakes, Gazelles, Antelopes, Flamingos, and Lorikeets." Makes it seem like you don't have anything else to talk about. This would prove that your ideas were developed but doesn't prove that they were used in an effective manner.
- Continuing, this also shows that not all of your content is fully relevant. Although the task is achieved there is a lot of information that would not be necessary for a newspaper article. Perhaps the information would be good for a roller coaster critic website. I would give these two groups a level 2-3 understanding.
- The last bulletin point is audience engagement. For this section, I would give you a level 2 understanding. You make a few attempts to connect to the audience, "I would highly recommend it to teens and young adults." But beyond this and a few other examples, there is little attempt to address the audience.
In sum I would put you at around 11 points.
-Your writing was clear, yet seemed very checklist-like. This hindered its ability to flow. As this is relevant to an amusement park, the language you used such as “hybrid” and “blitz” are perfect to describe the rides. However, saying, “Overall the dining experience is mid,” is not the best choice of words as this review is aimed at families whose parents may not understand the phrase. (2)
ReplyDelete-There were commonly missed commas which resulted in run-on sentences. Although I was able to understand what you were saying, others may not. (3)
-I thought your text was clearly organized. It started off with the main reason people visit amusement parks and followed based off of the other situations that families should consider. One thing, the way you listed out all the animals within the exhibits seemed unnecessary. I would recommend mentioning only three. (3)
-The task was achieved well as you covered every aspect of the amusement park and did not stray away from the topic. (3)
-You heavily addressed the audience as you were telling them about the park. The use of “you” and “us” makes it sound like a conversation. You also said, “let's talk” which supports how you presented your review like a conversation. I noticed throughout your writing you wrote about how Busch Gardens was an excellent site for families to attend but then recommended it to “teens and young adults” which switches your audience. (3)
-Final Score: 14 /25
Hello Shamus,
ReplyDeleteI had thought this blog was pretty good. There were a few things I think could be improved on however. The first thing is that your blog had seemed to talk about the history of the park but you had focused more on going through everything that the park had and the history of the park rather than your exact experience. For example you had said "Cheetah Hunt is a blitz coaster with over 4,000 feet of track, a 130-foot drop, and a top speed of over 60 miles per hour." This had seemed very robotic which could make this sound less like your personal review.
I believe that there are very few minor errors in the grammar of this essay. I also think that you had attempted to use a range of language in your essay. I also think that you had addressed the audience in a very subtle way. However I think that the task was generally fulfilled as you had done a great job in this essay but you could have focused more on your personal experience more. Overall I would give this a 12/25. Great job!
Hi Shamus,
ReplyDeleteTo start off, I found a couple of grammar errors but I still understood what you meant. I think you did a pretty good job writing your review and I liked how you left a 1-10 rate on each aspect of the park like the food and the rides. Throughout the review, you listed a lot of things that may not have been too important to the overall review and it was probably just to reach the word count. For example, “Rhinos, Sloths, Cheetah, Tigers, Lions…” In terms of the rubric, you used “clear expression with a range of language.” There were a few occasional errors that did not impede communication. Task is fully achieved and your text is clearly organized. The audience is addressed. Overall, I’d give you a 15/25.