Paper 2 Question 1
Welcome to Marco Island Academy!
We are so proud of you for choosing to join our program and are thrilled to see what the future holds for you.
Marco Island Academy once was known as a trailer park and did not have a real campus, this all changed when we moved into a permanent campus with a brand new building. Now, let's get into the good stuff.
Student Orientation
One week before school starts, there is student orientation which allows incoming students to get their schedules, walk to their classes, and get to feel out the environment. This is a great opportunity for you to get rid of those butterflies and to meet new people who will be attending your school.
Clubs
After getting to know your way around the school and becoming familiar with the campus and meeting new people for the first few weeks the opportunity to join a club is addressed to new students. Some of the clubs we offer are a key club which is a club for volunteering (You need 100 volunteer hours to graduate.) Some other clubs are the chess club, fishing club, and student government club.
Athletics
Another part of our school is our sports programs. The sports that we have to offer are boys baseball, basketball, cross country, football, golf, soccer, tennis, and track. The girl's sports that we have to offer are basketball, cross country, golf, soccer, tennis, track, and volleyball. There are also options for both girls and boys to play lacrosse at lely and for girls to play softball at lely. In total, we have won 42 awards and have had multiple teams go to regionals and even had cross country go to states one year.
Academics
The thing that we are most proud of here at Marco Island Academy is our academic program. Our sixteen-to-one teacher-to-student ratio allows for each student to get the help they need from the teacher. We also have a program called the National Honors Society which gives you the ability to get scholarship funding from being in the program. We also have an AICE program which is a college plan of action that is run in Cambridge allows you to get money for scholarships as well. We also have honors classes that allow you to boost your grade point average. This helped me a lot in terms of bringing up my weighted grades.
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Comments:
I think that when I used a title to introduce what I was going to be talking about, it greatly benefitted the reader. Some of these headings that I used were “Student Orientation” “Clubs” “Athletics” and “Academics.” This also allows for the kids to be able to read which specific section they happen to be interested in rather than skimming through each section to try to find a section they want to read about.
Another thing that I did in terms of the structure was used multiple short paragraphs, this keeps the reader interested in the text and I feel like it is the most effective way to get your information across to the reader without boring them to death.
Another thing that I mentioned a little bit was some statistics or logos. In my text, I used terms such as the fact that you need 100 hours in volunteering in order to graduate and that we won 42 awards in our history of athletics. This gives the audience the ability to know that we are not just making up information and that we actually have statistics to back up what we say.
Furthermore, I also feel as if I did a good job of saying that we are proud of the students for joining us because it shows them that we are happy for them and the enthusiasm that we have for them as we start their journey.
To start, I think that you had a very good layout that was clear and easy to understand. You also included a great welcoming statement, 'Welcome to Marco Island Academy! ', as well as heading per each paragraph. It is very friendly, shown with the words 'welcome' and 'proud'. This makes the reader feel spoken too and more comfortable about attending the new school. You also did a great job including the second person perspective, showing that the leaflet is speaking directly to the student. However, I would like to point out that you included some long and complex sentences that take away from the straightforwardness of the assignment. For example, you state 'After getting to know your way around the school and becoming familiar with the campus and meeting new people for the first few weeks the opportunity to join a club is addressed to new students.' While this sentence may be informative, it is very long and doesn't follow the simplicity aspect of a leaflet. I also think that the paragraphs you included were too long for the leaflet format.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I would give 10 marks for this AO2 response. While it is clear that you understood the assignment, there are some aspects of the leaflet that you did not accomplish.
When reading your commentary, it was clear that you understood what the question was asking, however it was much too short as there were many pieces missing. For starters, there was no mention of the second person aspect used and how it benefited the readers. You really only mention the structural aspects of the leaflet, showing how you used headings and paragraphs to form it. You never mentioned how the informal language was also used to make the readers feel more connected while reading. While you do state that some parts 'greatly benefitted the reader' and 'keeps the reader interested', you never went on and expanded upon this. You did a great job reviewing the parts that you did use, like subheadings and real facts about the school, however it was very short and lacked a lot of explanation.
Overall, I would give 3 marks for AO3.
Hi Shamus! I really liked your blog and found your beginning quite funny.
ReplyDeleteAO2- 11 marks
I thought it was great how you broke up your leaflet with simple subheadings, one being “Clubs.” This was crucial, as it provided structure and focus to your piece. I also liked how you included the word “we” several times, as it created a sense of community. In your first few ideas, you clearly gave advice on what students should do in their first week of school. However, in your athletics and academics paragraph, it felt as though you were listing statistics about the school and did not provide enough guidance. Although the statistics were relevant and made the school look good, they did not necessarily provide advice for incoming students. Next time, be sure to provide reasons to join sports or say what you have learned from taking challenging classes at MIA. These adjustments that would only further enhance your leaflet.
AO3- 8 marks
I thought it was excellent how you broke up each talking point in your analysis into a separate paragraph. This made it really easy for me to follow and award points. I also liked how concise each paragraph was while still providing sufficient detail on why you chose to include that certain point. For example, you cited that you used “headings” and explained that they enabled the reader to read efficiently, as it allows them to find a section they are “interested in.” This example also shows how it relates to the audience and shapes meaning. This was excellent. The only thing that I would adjust is just using a specific ‘buzz word’ for your last paragraph. For example, you could cite that you used a ‘lexical field’ surrounding excitement and enthusiasm. Also, if you have time, adding in more points only strengthens your argument.
- Kathryn
hi
ReplyDeleteHey Shamus,
ReplyDeleteIn part AO2, I would give you a high level 3. You had a clear expression, with a arahe of language, including some complex structures and less common lexis. Your writing was enthusiastic and you addressed the audience multiple times and you kept the audience engaged, which was very important in this specific task. Your paragraphs flowed well and everything had great organization. I like the fact that you labeled your paragraphs and each paragraph(slide) had different content. You had a variety of content. You showed greater understanding of the task when you included statistics about the school.
As of AO3, I would also give you a high level 3 (6 marks) if you did what you were supposed to. You had a clear analysis of form, structure and language. You kind of went in-depth as to why you chose to do the things you did. You had separate paragraphs for form and structure which was also really good. You could have scored higher if you went a little more in-depth.